Serious Issues Are Not Funny
by johre
Summary: Oh happy day! The Organization takes a trip to see a shrink. Yaoi, Stupidity, T for Language and Zexion using his tongue in ways we don't want to hear about. [ Chapter 2: i fail at summaries. ]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** HAHAHA. LIKE THIS IDEA HAS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE RIGHT? Oh well. Thought up a bunch of single-lines during a long car-trip and just strung them together into this thing. The Wishing Stick is real by the by, my spanish teacher used it to make us shut up. :3

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Dr. Alan Burke had a pretty good grip on life. He was fast approaching 50 but he still had the sparkle in his eyes of a teenager and he was hard not to like. He'd graduated at the top of class from Princeton University and landed a cushy job in a private clinic soon after. His colleagues respected him and his rehabilitation methods (especially in family and group counseling) were unrivaled in the area. And while his professional and academic life were impressive, he still managed to find time to spend with his lovely wife of nearly twenty years and his two teenage sons.

All in all he was a pretty well-rounded individual. He'd been a therapist for more then a decade and had seen and treated just about everything under the sun.

However. Nothing, not anything, could have prepared poor Dr. Burke for the favor asked by the little blond girl with sad blue eyes that showed up in his office that fateful morning.

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Nodding a good morning to his secretary, Dr. Burke stepped into his office and nearly had a heart attack when he saw there was someone already in the room.

"Excuse me, Miss?"

She turned to look at him, nearly dropping the paperweight she had been toying with, "Namine, sir."

"Miss Namine," he corrected himself, "Office hours start at 8am, but I'm sure if you'll just step outside here, you can make an appointment with my secretary and…"

Namine stepped forward, biting her lip, "I just had to see you! I've read about all the people you've helped, all the 'impossible' cases you've taken on and-and you've really done some good…and…I've tried everything else." She looked up at him with the biggest bluest puppy dog eyes he'd ever seen, "Please sir, just hear me out."

He was no match for Namine's puppy dog eyes. Oh well, his first appointment wasn't for another hour or so, it couldn't hurt to hear the girl out. He gestured for her to sit down and she did, folding her hands in her lap and looking back at him gratefully.

"Alright Namine, why don't you tell me why you're here." He took a sip of his coffee.

She nodded, "Well…you see, I live with…well I guess you could call them," She paused, deep in thought, "…housemates." She couldn't very well say they were 'the group of emotionally lacking psychopaths hell-bent on evil-doing that she lived with'.

"Go on." He urged.

"And well…sometimes they just…don't 'get along.' It causes a lot of problems." She frowned.

Well, that sounded basic enough. Probably a simple lack of communication and proper boundaries.

He took another sip of coffee, "How many 'housemates' do you have?"

"Thirteen. Twelve boys and one girl."

He nearly spat it out. "Fourteen people in one house? Dear god, no wonder you're having problems!"

"It's a…unique situation." She gave him a small smile.

He stared. He'd never done a group session with more then four, thirteen would be ridiculous. She must have noticed the look of horror on his face because she took a piece of paper out of her dress and slid it across his desk, "Please Sir, I don't know what else to try. Nobody else has been able to help me. I'm willing to pay whatever you ask," She gestured to the paper, "That's just an offer, if you want more-"

He looked at the number written on the paper. Wow that was a lot of zeros.

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It had taken a lot of begging and a few more puppy looks and zeros, but eventually Dr Burke agreed to do a group session to assess the situation.

And so, a week after his impromptu meeting with Namine, the good doctor found himself seated just outside a circle of thirteen of the strangest looking people he'd ever seen. They were all wearing long black hooded coats and not a single one of them sported a normal hairstyle. Not a one. In fact he was almost positive the only female in the group; a petite blond named Larxene; had bug feelers coming out of her head.

He took one last glance over his chart to make sure he had all the names straight and cleared his throat to get their attention. Twelve and a half pairs of eyes swiveled in his direction.

"Hello everyone!" He said in a friendly, calm tone. Nobody said hello back. Undaunted, he continued, "My name is Dr. Burke, and hopefully Namine has told you all why we're here today." The twelve and a half pairs of eyes swiveled to look at the door (Namine was waiting in the lobby of the clinic) briefly, before returning to Dr. Burke.

"Does anyone have any questions for me before we begin?"

Larxene raised her hand.

"Larxene; yes!" He nodded at her.

"Do you have any gum?"

"Ah - no, I'm afraid I don't, I'm sorry."

She rolled her eyes.

"Anyone else have any questions?"

Nobody did.

"Great. Okay." He pulled a stack of papers from a desk drawer and handed them out, "What I have here is a list of words and phrases that we're going to try to avoid using. This is meant to be a positive, constructive environment for dealing with any problems you may have with one another; and it's my belief that the use of these words won't help anybody and could even create some _hostility_."

Marluxia's eyes flickered to Axel.

Vexen raised his hand.

"Yes! Question?"

"What happens if we use these words?"

Dr Burke smiled at him, "Well, I'll simply ask you to rephrase it in a more positive, constructive way."

Vexen didn't return the smile, but nodded.

"And one more important thing." He retrieved a long plastic tube from his desk, painted brightly and decorated with feathers and glitter. Twelve and a half pairs of eyes turned to stare at it in horror and disgust.

"This right here, is 'The Wishing Stick.' You can only speak if you're holding the Wishing Stick, and I ask that the rest of you be respectful and listen to whomever is holding it."

Stunned silence followed. Dr Burke didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he ignored it.

"Now then, any questions about the list before we begin the first exercise?"

There were no questions, of course.

"Great. Super. Now this is a simple exercise to break the ice and start things off on a good note. I want you to turn and look at the person to your _left_," Everyone did so. "Everyone got it? Great. Now I want you to think of something nice to say about that person. We'll go around the circle now and hear what everyone's got to say." He handed the Wishing Stick to Demyx, "Demyx, why don't you start us off?"

Demyx looked up at Lexaeus.

Lexaeus looked down at Demyx.

Demyx looked at everyone else.

Everyone else looked at Demyx.

Demyx looked back up at Lexaeus.

"Er…Lexaeus…"

Dr Burke nodded at him in encouragement.

"Lexaeus smells…uh…nice."

Zexion leaned over and sniffed Lexaeus.

Dr Burke nodded, "Good! That was a good start. Great."

Demyx practically threw the Wishing Stick at Lexaeus, like it was a snake.

Lexaeus looked down at Zexion, and Zexion looked up at him out of the corner of his eye.

Silence reigned as Lexaeus thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And thought.

Luxord started to doze off in his seat.

Lexaeus thought some more.

Luxord jolted awake when Xigbar pegged him with his crumpled up 'Forbidden Words' list.

Lexaeus sat up a little straighter, "Zexion…he can do this amazing thing with his tongue that-"

A collective wail of dismay rose from the group and Vexen put his hands over Roxas' ears.

Zexion's face remained stoic but a light blush had settled across his cheeks and he even turned a little to stare at Lexaeus, who mouthed a defensive, 'What?' at him.

Dr Burke, stunned at first, quickly recovered and purged the horrible mental images from his mind, clearing his throat, "Well. Oh, erm…That wasn't exactly what I was looking for there but good, that's good. It's nice that you can be open about that sort of thing." Zexion kicked Lexaeus in the shin and refused to look at anyone.

"Axel is not overweight." He muttered and thrust the Wishing Stick at the redhead, who took it gingerly and turned to leer at Marluxia.

Marluxia balled his hands into fists and waited.

"Marluxia grows very pretty flowers." Smirk.

"Axel you sonuvaBITCH." He ripped the Wishing Stick out of Axel's hand, tackled him to the floor and started beating him over the head with it faster then anyone could blink.

"Marluxia is very sensitive about his flowers." Demyx explained casually to Dr Burke, who was looking at the scuffle in horror.

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen _please_ can we be civil about this?" He tried unsuccessfully to separate the two and was almost knocked silly when he tried to stop Marluxia from shoving the Wishing Stick down Axel's throat. He looked around desperately for help but was rewarded with disinterested stares and it seemed that Luxord had fallen asleep again.

"We usually just let them work it out." Lexaeus offered.

"This-" He gestured to where Axel was howling in pain as Marluxia twisted his arm at an awkward angle, "This happens…often?"

"At least four times a day." Roxas said, "Sometimes Axel wins but usually Marluxia gets bored and lets him go after awhile…See?"

Dr Burke looked back at the fight. Marluxia was back in his seat, fuming but looking slightly calmer then before. Axel was dragging himself back into his chair with some degree of difficulty.

"Saix is a very strong fighter." Marluxia ground out, handing over the Wishing Stick but not taking his hateful glare off of Axel, who was now preoccupied in making sure none of his injuries were fatal.

"Luxord is good at Card Games." He had to jab the Wishing Stick into Luxord's side to wake him up before handing it off.

"Xigbar has good aim…!"

"Larxene has a nice rack."

SLAP. She backhanded him across the face so hard his chair almost tipped over, then zapped him for good measure.

Luxord and Xaldin scooched their chairs away a little to create some distance between themselves and the fuming Larxene and fried Xigbar.

"Xaldin has hair." She growled. Nobody dared tell her that that didn't really count and Xaldin tentatively accepted the Wishing Stick from her. No sudden movements.

"Vexen is very smart."

"Roxas is a good kid."

"Xemnas is a natural leader."

"Demyx is completely and utterly incompetent at just about everything."

Saix snickered. Demyx looked crestfallen. Lexaeus patted him on the shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting and gentle way but ended up almost knocking him over.

Against his better judgment, Dr. Burke scooched his chair a little closer to Xemnas, "Now, Xemnas, that really wasn't very constructive and while your opinions are certainly valued here I would really appreciate it if maybe you could -"

"I'm amazed that Demyx has managed to keep from sticking his tongue in a light-socket and killing himself. I honestly did not believe he had the brain-power for that kind of restraint." Xemnas said haughtily and glared at Dr. Burke; as though challenging him.

Demyx sniffled and looked at the ground. Saix snickered again.

"Aww…wittle baby gonna cry? Gonna cry?" He taunted, leering.

"S-Shut up! I am not!" Demyx's lower lip trembled a little bit.

"Saix, please, this-" Dr. Burke tried futilely to stop the oncoming emotional slaughter.

"He is! Aww…Lookit the wittle baby crying 'cause he can't handle the truth!"

"Hey Saix, what's that brown stuff on your nose?" Xaldin sneered suddenly.

"Hey Xaldin, why don't you shut the fuck up and go WASH YOUR HAIR!" The remaining members of the Organization looked at each other warily, sensing danger.

"Hey Saix, why don't you stop licking Xemnas' shoes and MAKE ME!"

That was the final straw apparently, as Saix leaped clear across the circle with a roar. Dr Burke took a moment to look around. Saix and Xaldin were beating the shit out of each other on his desk, Luxord was snoring loudly as a still-smoldering Xigbar drew dirty pictures on his face with a sharpie. Demyx was crying into Lexaeus' shoulder and Zexion looked put off (as much as he ever looked anything, that is.) Marluxia looked thoughtful for a moment before shrugging and tackling an unsuspecting Axel to the ground for another round. The rest of them were either watching Xaldin and Saix or cheering on Marluxia. He silently left the room and made his way down to the lobby, where Namine all but jumped from her chair with a worried look on her face. She started to ask him what was going on but he held up a hand to stop her.

"Those people…are not right in the head. Not right at all."

"You're giving up too…" She looked down at the ground, sadness evident in her posture. Unfortunately for dear Dr. Burke, his heart melted at the sight. Poor guy.

"I guess…I guess maybe I could try individual sessions. The fee, however…" He could use a nice vacation with the wife and kids after this.

"Is not a problem!" She grasped his hand in hers and sighed in relief, "Thank you _so_ much Dr Burke…"

"It's no problem." Yes it was. "Just…bring them back next week around the same time."

------------------------------------------ pie sucks

**Another A/N: **Not funny at all. :3 Oh well, it was funny in my head. I'll probably rewrite it at a later date and add funny. I blame the fact that I was doing a physics lab at the same time I was writing it. NEXT CHAPTER ZOMGWTFBBQ: Individual sessions! Demyx learns the meaning of Molestation, Marluxia reveals his big secret, and we find out why the fuck Oreo keeps starting shit when she still has other stuff to finish. Oh...yeah, plus! How Namine got them all to agree to see a shrink. That might be somewhat important. Kinda.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** So. I have this thing here. It's like…a pie. But it's made out of cookie. Cookie!Pie. And I sez to myself I sez "Keika-Chan, if you aren't careful then you will eat too much Cookie!Pie and make yourself sick!" Then I sez to myself, I sez, "Keika-Chan stop talkin to yourself and eat some damn Cookie!Pie!" So I did. And what do you know, I ate too much and made myself sick.

Understandably, this chapter is not funny as a result. I know I said that the first chapter wasn't funny, but I was partly fishing for compliments and partly half-asleep. But I'm serious! This one is really not funny. In fact, I don't know why you all expected anything funny in the first place. Did you even read the title? It says 'Serious Issues Are Not Funny'. They ARE NOT FUNNY. THIS IS NOT FUNNY. I rest my case.

But before we begin, to my lovely reviewers. Many thanks for reviewing, and also here are some personal nods. Because lord knows that it looks like my story is longer and actually has substance if I shove all this extra text in here. :3

**Rio:** Perhaps a nice cold Lemonade would have been better suited, but I am very happy my story refreshed you anyway. :3 Please don't kill me, I have so much yet to live for.  
**shadows and sonic's girl: **They do! Except for Zexion. He always struck me as a rather mellow fellow.  
**Kao:** Omg 3  
**Flakes-of-Snow**: Well, surely a suggestion that I do less work then I have to from a lovable reviewer such as yourself is quite agreeable. **Physco Child:** Darling, Darling, Darling. Please secure your head so that it doesn't pop off. That sounds like it might hurt and I would hate for that to happen. ;;  
**Tsukai-Kaze:** I'm afraid you made a mistake, while I am indeed of the legal age to 'own' property, I do not actually 'own' anything. ..  
**WindOfDancingFlames:** You sure have a perdy mouth.  
**KuroNekoNya:** I'm gonna serenade you now if that's alright. Clears Throat Sings Why do you build me up (build me up) buttercup baby…just to let me down (let me down) and mess me around…and then worst of all (worst of all) you never call baby when you say you will (say you will) but I love you still!  
**Ryu Fanel:** WOW…favorites AND alert…I feel so…so special. And…well, super special! Poor Dr Burke indeed, I can't wait to have my mom show the real Dr Burke what I'm putting him through via fanfiction.  
**A:** OMG YES! LMFAO YES! THANKS 3 Hey, did you notice that Orgie-humor sounds like Orgy-humor?  
**LemonSmoothie:** Your name makes me thirsty. That was my favorite line too, but only because I like to abuse Demyx. He's like a little stress-ball with crazy hair and a sitar.  
**MaraudersForPresident:** I'm sure he licks a lot of other Xemna's-parts too. :3  
**Soelle:** Hi. You are a very special person.  
**Shizuma the Black Renkin Wizard**: You have a really long name, ma'am.

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Dr. Burke regarded the young man in front of him with the practiced 'neutral' face of someone who has seen many a strange thing in their life. And he had. Before he'd come to work in this particular clinic for only 'mildly maladjusted' people, he'd done a residency in an asylum for the criminally insane. From what he'd seen last week, he was pretty sure that most of these people belonged _there_ instead of here but then again, he reflected; who was crazier, the actual psycho or the man who puts himself in an office alone with them?

Roxas though, didn't seem to be quite as violent or prone to flying off the handle as some of the others. He reminded him a little of his younger son, Matthew. They looked about the same age in fact - although he highly doubted Matthew could ever come up with some of the things Roxas was explaining to him at the moment.

"You all control…elements?" He was careful not to let any derision seep into his tone as he made a note on his clipboard that Roxas was delusional and quite obviously very out of touch with reality.

"Yeah. Like, I'm light, and Axel is fire and Saix is moon-"

"Moon?"

"Sort of like Sailor Moon…except don't ever say that around him," He grimaced, "That's how Xigbar lost his eye."

"Oh my god, and after an incident like that they still live in the same house together…?"

"Well, Saix said he was really sorry afterwards."

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"It must be tough being one of only two girls with that many men around, Larxene."

"Not really. Marluxia is such a fairy he practically counts as a girl anyway."

"Does it ever get lonely, not having anyone to talk to?"

"Are you saying I can't talk to anyone? And what about Namine, she's a girl!"

"Well, I just-"

"You think I'm a bitch, don't you?"

"No! No, I was just-"

"Just because I'm not a passive little pussy like Namine you automatically assume that I'm a bitch, is that it? Well I got news for you asshole, I am one of the nicest, easiest people to talk to that you will EVER fucking meet!" She was so angry that her lips were pulled back in a snarl and her bug feelers were standing straight up, giving her the look of a deranged blond angry thing with sticky-uppy hair. Yeah. Really.

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"I thought we'd try an interesting little exercise now." Dr Burke brought out some ink-blot cards and smiled at Marluxia, "I'm just going to hold these up and you're going to tell me what they look like to you. Keep in mind that there are no wrong answers and everyone interprets them a little differently!"

Marluxia nodded and he held up the first one.

"A flower."

He held up another one.

"A bunch of flowers."

Another.

"Axel."

Another one.

"Me pounding Axel's face into a wall."

Another one.

"Axel holding a flower while I pound his face into a wall."

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"So, Luxord. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?"

"Well, I like to play cards."

"Oh well that's great! Is there any game in particular that you like?"

Luxord started ticking them off on his fingers, "3 Card Brag, Poker, Go Fish, All Fives, Blackjack, 52 Pick-up, Cucumber, Asshole, Beggar My Neighbor, Yablon, Black Maria, Brag, Bridge, Bullshit, Caribbean Poker, Texas Hold 'Em…."

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Dr Burke figured that Demyx probably had some deep rooted self-esteem issues that he would need to work on, but much to his surprise he seemed cheery and confident; if a little ditzy. He didn't even have to ask him any questions, the boy just sat down and started talking about everything and everyone. He rambled on for a good half-hour while Dr Burke listened, taking an occasional note down.

"…and yesterday after breakfast I wrote a new song about how Saix smells like cabbage and about Vexen's daily trips to Elementary Schools where he watches all the little girls on the playground! Maybe it could be our theme song! 'Cause every Organization should have a good theme song, right? I played it for Xigbar and he thought it was really funny-"

"Oh, you and Xigbar are good friends then?"

Demyx looked at the ground and fidgeted, suddenly becoming uncharacteristically quiet.

"Demyx?"

"I dunno."

"You don't know?"

"I dunno."

"Oookay."

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Card number 32.

"A waterfall of flowers cascading around me as I beat Axel to death with a baseball bat while he holds a bouquet of flowers."

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"Hello, Axel."

"Hello, Dr Burke."

"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to be sensing _some_ hostility between you and Marluxia. Do you want to tell me about that?"

"It's more like sexual tension."

"I-I beg your pardon?"

"That's not hostility, that's sexual tension. Got it memorized?"

"Got it-What?"

"Got it memorized!"

"Yes, I heard what you said but-"

"It's my catchphrase. Got it memorized?"

"Your catchphrase."

"Right. Catchphrase. Noun. A phrase in wide or popular use, especially one serving as a slogan for an individual, group or movement."

"I know what a catchphrase is, thank you."

"Well you looked like you didn't."

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"…Deuces, Dom Pedro, Egyptian Ratscrew, Rummy, Farmer's Rummy, Progressive Rummy, Republican Rummy, Democrat Rummy, Ross Perot Rummy, Michigan Rummy, King Rummy, Liverpool Rummy, Gin Rummy, Non-Alcoholic Rummy, Find the Lady, Hearts, Nine-Card Don, Old Maid, Spit, Phat, Pennies from Heaven, Pinochle, Railroad Canasta…"

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Card Number 57.

"Axel rolling around naked in a field of flowers while Sakura Petals rain down around him."

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"Is there any subject in particular you'd like to talk about Zexion?"

"…………………………….."

"Great. Super. Is there anything you'd like _me_ to talk about then?"

"……….."

"You're not going to make this easy for me, are you?"

"…"

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Card 124.

"A happy dog."

"Really?"

"Wait - No. No. Axel doing naughty things with a flower."

"Oh dear god…"

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"If you don't want to talk about Xigbar, that's okay Demyx."

"I dunno."

"Do you want to?"

"I dunno."

"Well if this is a sensitive subject then we can-"

"HE TOUCHES ME INNAPROPRIATLY OKAY!"

Dead silence.

"Oh-Oh my."

"Does that mean he likes me?"

"W-Well I don't know, you'd have to ask him."

"I try, but he always…" Demyx blushed and leaned over to whisper it in Dr Burke's ear.

Well, poor Dr. Burke had never heard something so explicit and wrong in his entire life and as such he near about had a an aneurysm right then and there, "Guh…Gah…"

"Is that called a 'relationship'?"

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"………."

"………………."

"…"

"………."

"I feel like we're making a real connection here, Zexion."

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"Xaldin! Hello. I'm a little eager to discuss your altercation with Saix last-"

Xaldin held up a hand to shut him up and looked mildly bored. "Xemnas is resentful that he has to work so hard and nobody understands him anyway, which obscures his guilt about actually wanting to work so hard. Despite being 2nd, Xigbar feels guilty about being less driven than Xemnas, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way, so he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness and a dumb accent. Vexen is maladjusted sexually and feels inadequate so he throws himself into his experiments and writes gay porn fetish stories. Lexaeus is extremely insecure and fears failing those close to him more then anything else so he pretends to be a dumb oaf so people won't be disappointed in him should he actually fail. Zexion is not nearly as stoic as he pretends to be, he's just Emo and craves attention which he tries to get by being aloof. Also he can smell individuals like a dog, which creeps people out and so most of us stay the hell away from him. Except for Lexaeus, who thinks it's sexy. Gross. Saix has anger management issues. Plus he's madly in love with Xemnas but is in major denial. If you so much as question his heterosexuality or ears, he will fly off the handle into a berserk rage and probably kill you and everyone around you within a 10-mile radius. That's what happened to Xigbar's eye; doncha know. Axel is some kind of pyromaniacal sociopath with commitment issues. He also secretly pines for Roxas and Marluxia at the same time…and let me tell you, as his roommate, that boy has some of the most fucked up wet dreams I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. Demyx wears incompetence and superficiality like a suit of armor, because he's afraid of looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. Luxord has a gambling problem because he fears stability and lack of change…oh, and - just between you and me - the accent is totally fake. Marluxia is just a fairy in every single respect. The thing with Axel? Nobody is really sure whether he hates him or is madly in love with him but I'm willing to bet it's a little of both, plus some repressed childhood issues. Hence, the obsession. Larxene is a girl. And as we both know, all females are just batshit and there are simply no explanations for it. Roxas is missing a huge chunk of his memory and he knows that we all know what his story is and he is royally pissed off that we won't tell him but he refuses to act royally pissed off because he thinks it will make him look childish and he's very sensitive about his age. As for me, well…I'm so defendant that I actively work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do. Can I go now?"

Dr Burke gaped, "Holy cow, would you look at that wall of text? Keika-chan must be insane to think she can get away with that!"

Xaldin looked at him funny, "Um…what?"

Somewhere in the distance, the third wall crumbled and fell.

"Er…nothing. I think we're done here."

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Card number 615.

"That one looks like…like…a blob of ink. Shaped like flowers."

Dr Burke kind of felt like crying.

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"Hey dude."

Dr Burke could feel a headache coming on. Briefly he wondered what was for dinner before turning back to his totally tubular patient and his totally tubular iPatch. Of course that prompted a terrifying mental image of Saix in a Sailor Moon outfit going into one of his fits. Like, whoa.

"Hello Xigbar. Can I ask you something?"

"Dude, you _can_ I guess…"

Dr. Burke smiled, "_May_ I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"What's your situation with Demyx?"

"Hah, why? What did he tell you?"

"I'm afraid that due to patient confidentiality, I can't reveal-"

"Yeah I kinda expected that. But I'm sure he's probably told you what our situation is."

"So…are you maybe, interested in pursuing a relationship of some kind with him?"

Xigbar looked thoughtful, "Well dude, I dunno. I just really like some of the noises he makes."

"Ah. And, usually what's his response to the kind of …attention…you give him?"

"Well, 90 of the time he kicks me in the jimmies and runs away. The other 10 he goes a little crossed-eyed and faints." Xigbar grinned, "Totally cute."

Dr Burke frowned, "Doesn't that make you think he might not appreciate being touched like that? And furthermore, doesn't that _hurt_?"

Xigbar laughed, "He's totally askin' for it. Don't let him fool ya with the innocent act, he's a fuckin' _tease_. " He looked from side to side before leaning forward conspiratorially, "And of course it hurts, like a _bitch._ But after what happened to my eye," He tapped his iPatch, "It just doesn't like, bother me. Y'know what I mean?"

Dr Burke didn't, but he nodded anyway. Xigbar suddenly looked thoughtful and leaned back in his chair, "Dude, do you want to hear what really happened with Saix?"

"I would like that."

"Okay, well this is how it happened…"

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"…Lame Brain Pete, Manipulation, Mah Jong, Matador, May I, Snoozer, Spades, Solitaire, Staeske Rape, Stealing Bundles, Strip Poker-"

"Okay!" Dr. Burke cut him off suddenly, "I think that's all the time we have today but I'm very pleased with how much ground we covered."

Luxord beamed.

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Of the entire Organization, Xemnas was the one that Dr. Burke was most excited to see. From what he could tell, Xemnas seemed to be the leader of their little group and that interested him. He looked at the distinguished man sitting in front of him and was suddenly reminded of the long black coats they all wore.

"If you don't mind my asking, is that some kind of uniform?"

Xemnas looked surprised for a second, then gleeful. Which was very scary. Terrifying even.

"Why yes, yes it is. I designed it myself!"

"Oh, do you like designing clothes then?"

Xemnas nodded excitedly and launched into a tirade about how it was so hard to find uniforms for an Organization like his and the various things he'd tried before finding the right look.

"…I thought our uniform needed to represent something; something that says, "I'm here to destroy you," but with a sense of fun." Dr. Burke nodded and smiled, suddenly sorry that he'd brought this topic up and figuring he was never going to get the mental image of the whole Organization in assless-chaps out of his mind no matter how hard he purged.

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"…and that's how I lost my eye, Saix got his scar, and Roxas came to have Sinistrophobia."

"…"

"Dude! Maybe next time I can tell you about the time that Axel had Tuberculosis!"

Dr. Burke ignored his second statement and merely stared at him in stunned silence for a moment before politely excusing himself to go lock himself in the Men's Room and cry; for of all the horrifying and appalling things he'd heard and witnessed in his many years, Xigbar's story had surely been the worst of all.

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Much, much later and many painful mental images and rants later; he was finally standing in the lobby and seeing them all out. Dr. Burke couldn't help but feel a sense of anticipation mixed in with his profound relief. What he was dealing with here was quite possibly 10 of the most difficult cases in Psychiatric history. Things were only going to go downhill from here, and yet as worried for his sanity as he was, he couldn't help but feel achieved. He was eventually going to fix these people and help to make them productive members of society. These Thirteen misfits, lacking in sexual, mental and moral health would surely go on to become great contributors to the betterment of the human race! Speaking of Thirteen…

"It's a real shame Saix, Lexaeus and Vexen couldn't be here today. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that Keika-Chan decided she would rather play World of Warcraft then commit to writing a decent story that IS CERTAINLY NOT FUNNY and has a good, well-thought out and original storyline for all of you people."

A keening wail of suffering sounded in the distance as the third wall started to give up on whatever shreds of life it was still holding onto. Demyx yelped and jumped but nobody could be sure whether it had to do with that, or Xigbar's suddenly very self-satisfied smirk.

The rest of the Organization stared blankly at Dr. Burke, obviously wondering if the good doctor was on some sort of prescription medication. Xemnas cocked an eyebrow, "Riiight. Well, Vexen is conducting a _very_ important experiment and needed Saix and Lexaeus to stay behind to help with it. Rest assured they will be here next week for our appointment." He turned to nod at Roxas, who suddenly pointed over Dr. Burke's shoulder and yelled, "HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!"

Dr. Burke, of course, looked and saw nothing. However when he turned back to his patients, they were gone.

--------- MEANWHILE IN VEXEN'S LAB DODODO ----------

Lexaeus sighed. His stomach was really starting to hurt. Vexen obviously didn't care and plucked another item from the pile, froze it, and set it in front of him. Saix moaned in quiet agony from the corner; he'd already taken a lot more then Lexaeus and Vexen had begrudgingly allowed him a short break.

Sensing Lexaeus' hesitation, Vexen gave him a look that plainly said, "Do what you're here to do or I'll insert large spiked objects into your various orifices until you bleed to death."

Lexaeus ate the Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.

"Well?" said Vexen.

"No…No that still feels right."

Vexen tugged his hair in frustration and marked something down in his notes.

"I just don't understand it," He grumbled, "There simply _must_ be a wrong way to eat a Reeses!"

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**A/N**: Hey. Hi. Oh boy this is awkward…

Next chapter! The Organization helps out with parenting, Zexion completes his metamorphosis into an emo poster child, and MAYBE, JUST MAYBE we'll find out how Namine got them all to agree to see a shrink. Possibly.


End file.
